Probably not all of them. I'm still getting to know a few of them.
[still vague, but probably the most honest thing that jiho's said to anyone in awhile. he listens to teh way kwang describes it, and he can see how that might've been the feeling. feeling lonely...that part he does understand. jiho still feels that way, and he can't bring himself to believe that it would be better to feel any other way.]
I remember being afraid. [jiho swallows hard, forgetting about what kwang is doing to his skin, the needle that pierces it, the blood that forms a bruise underneath it.] I remember seeing my brothers in everyone who was here. And then I saw dead boys. I couldn't take it.
Are you only staying for Myung? Are you doing this for him, or for you? Because if you're doing it for him, and you're unhappy doing it, then you might - want to reconsider.
[ Kwang puts the bandage on the wound, pressing on the sides. ]
Why? Why are you afraid for them to see you vulnerable? Do you think that they won't care anymore?
Leaving him would be the stupidest thing I could ever do.
[myung breaks up his unhappiness, or the general apathy that jiho feels. when he allows the other boy to, anyway. leaving him behind would be a mistake, jiho's smart enough to know that even when darker feelings grip him tight. so he does the next best thing, comes back once every few days, keeps a distance from as many of the others as he can. jiho even tries to avoid learning any of the new arrival's names. it's better if they don't know his either.
he mumbles his thanks before reaching for his tank top.]
No. Because I don't know what to do with it when they do care.
[ Kwang nods - that's something, at least. Jiho seems to want something, someone, and to allow himself to have it, from time to time.
Pursing his lips, Kwang leans back. ]
I can do something else for the pain, if you want. It doesn't involve pills.
[ And then - ]
I used to be closed off, too. I used to refuse allowing anyone close, because what would be the point? I'd watch them die, or they'd realize how much of a fuck up I am. But letting people in, it can be healing. And when they do care, just - take it. Allow it. Let them hold you, or cry for you, or share your pain. It might end up making you feel better.
[jiho murmurs the question, thoughts elsewhere. he isn't worried about the pain, he can take it. he's more interested in the other kind of healing that kwang is talking about. he is afraid of watching the people that he cares about die. he saw it once, and he's so focused on keeping it from happening again. he's afraid that he's empty; he's afraid of finding out that he's not. he's afraid of other people seeing either of these sides of him.
kwang is telling him that he's worth it.]
That demon is not holding me, not until he puts some real pants on.
[...and that's another thing. jiho lies back, groaning at the pain and strain of his stitches.]
If you're wondering if I feel it, answer's yes. But - I feel pain every second of every day. It's not really that much of a big deal for me if it flares stronger for a little while
[ Welcome to Kwang's fun life of constant, constant pain. ]
He - actually, he's given me the very strong impression that lust is the last thing he's after.
[ Jiho wouldn't be the first person Kwang meets that doesn't care for physical intimacy. He wouldn't be the first one to have no libido. It's not exactly shocking to him, but it's surprising that Jiho would think that's what Rook is after. ]
You know that's fine, right? And I genuinely think that, if you were to tell Rook that, that you don't feel desire like that, he'd get it. He might even like it. He seems to want... romance, more than anything else.
[especially not pain that he caused himself. jiho shakes his head at him, voice reassuring.]
I'm fine.
[physical pain is the least of his worries right now. and he thinks that kwang is probably right given his own interactions with rook. it doesn't make a lot of sense. in some ways it would be easier if that was what the demon was looking for, then jiho could just forget about him completely.
because. romance. jiho. he groans and covers his face with both hands. that's a different story for him, something that he can't deny. and gods, why can't he just want to suck his dick instead. he knows his way around those a little better.]
I hate everything.
[he's said those words before too, but it's with a lot less conviction now. because it isn't true.]
[ Kwang nods, not pushing that one further. Some people are fine with physical pain, and can take it a lot more than others. Some people - like it, even, like the reminder of their mistakes and actions. ]
Okay.
[ And then, he lets out a soft sound, sort of amused. It's far from mocking, it's just - completely understanding. He's been there, many times before. ]
Life is - far from easy. You've got to take it at your pace. If what you need right now is to be given the space to understand what's going on through your head, you should ask for it. If what you need is actually letting things out and talking, well. There are plenty of people willing to talk to you, I'm sure, me included. I present the advantage of not really knowing much about you, not that I am any therapist.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 07:43 pm (UTC)[still vague, but probably the most honest thing that jiho's said to anyone in awhile. he listens to teh way kwang describes it, and he can see how that might've been the feeling. feeling lonely...that part he does understand. jiho still feels that way, and he can't bring himself to believe that it would be better to feel any other way.]
I remember being afraid. [jiho swallows hard, forgetting about what kwang is doing to his skin, the needle that pierces it, the blood that forms a bruise underneath it.] I remember seeing my brothers in everyone who was here. And then I saw dead boys. I couldn't take it.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 08:03 pm (UTC)[ If only Jiho would open himself to the potential. To allow himself not to be lonely anymore. It truly, truly, changed Kwang's life.
Brothers. Dead brothers. They keep on coming up. ]
Do you still feel that way? Do you still dead boys everywhere?
[ Kwang finishes up closing Jiho up, cutting off the thread and tying it nicely, cleanly. He puts the needle down and goes for a bandage. ]
You feel like running away sometimes, don't you?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 08:19 pm (UTC)[sometimes he still sees dead boys.
sometimes he feels like running away.]
But I can't leave Myung behind. I can't hurt him like that. I know I probably will, someday, when a bullet or a blade really does find my heart.
[jiho sighs and drops his head.]
I feel like I'm starting to fall apart. Myung and Neve and Rook...I'm afraid of them seeing it.
[one he loves dearly. one an unexpected friend. the last something unattainable.]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 08:27 pm (UTC)[ Kwang puts the bandage on the wound, pressing on the sides. ]
Why? Why are you afraid for them to see you vulnerable? Do you think that they won't care anymore?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 08:58 pm (UTC)[myung breaks up his unhappiness, or the general apathy that jiho feels. when he allows the other boy to, anyway. leaving him behind would be a mistake, jiho's smart enough to know that even when darker feelings grip him tight. so he does the next best thing, comes back once every few days, keeps a distance from as many of the others as he can. jiho even tries to avoid learning any of the new arrival's names. it's better if they don't know his either.
he mumbles his thanks before reaching for his tank top.]
No. Because I don't know what to do with it when they do care.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 09:09 pm (UTC)Pursing his lips, Kwang leans back. ]
I can do something else for the pain, if you want. It doesn't involve pills.
[ And then - ]
I used to be closed off, too. I used to refuse allowing anyone close, because what would be the point? I'd watch them die, or they'd realize how much of a fuck up I am. But letting people in, it can be healing. And when they do care, just - take it. Allow it. Let them hold you, or cry for you, or share your pain. It might end up making you feel better.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 09:37 pm (UTC)[jiho murmurs the question, thoughts elsewhere. he isn't worried about the pain, he can take it. he's more interested in the other kind of healing that kwang is talking about. he is afraid of watching the people that he cares about die. he saw it once, and he's so focused on keeping it from happening again. he's afraid that he's empty; he's afraid of finding out that he's not. he's afraid of other people seeing either of these sides of him.
kwang is telling him that he's worth it.]
That demon is not holding me, not until he puts some real pants on.
[...and that's another thing. jiho lies back, groaning at the pain and strain of his stitches.]
I can't give him anything at all.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 09:40 pm (UTC)[ There's a lot, here. A lot that Kwang can't put his finger on, and that's probably on purpose, for Jiho. He doesn't want people to know him.
A demon without real pants. Rook, alright, yes. Jiho mentioned him already, and now - ]
Why not? [ Do you even know yourself, Jiho? ]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 10:12 pm (UTC)And what does it do to you?
[does it just sink beneath his skin and disappear? or is there even a moment where he feels it.]
Because he's a demon of lust.
[does he know himself? good question. but maybe he's starting to learn.]
And I don't think I have an ounce of that in my body.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 10:18 pm (UTC)[ Welcome to Kwang's fun life of constant, constant pain. ]
He - actually, he's given me the very strong impression that lust is the last thing he's after.
[ Jiho wouldn't be the first person Kwang meets that doesn't care for physical intimacy. He wouldn't be the first one to have no libido. It's not exactly shocking to him, but it's surprising that Jiho would think that's what Rook is after. ]
You know that's fine, right? And I genuinely think that, if you were to tell Rook that, that you don't feel desire like that, he'd get it. He might even like it. He seems to want... romance, more than anything else.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-26 10:39 pm (UTC)[especially not pain that he caused himself. jiho shakes his head at him, voice reassuring.]
I'm fine.
[physical pain is the least of his worries right now. and he thinks that kwang is probably right given his own interactions with rook. it doesn't make a lot of sense. in some ways it would be easier if that was what the demon was looking for, then jiho could just forget about him completely.
because. romance. jiho. he groans and covers his face with both hands. that's a different story for him, something that he can't deny. and gods, why can't he just want to suck his dick instead. he knows his way around those a little better.]
I hate everything.
[he's said those words before too, but it's with a lot less conviction now. because it isn't true.]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 09:25 am (UTC)Okay.
[ And then, he lets out a soft sound, sort of amused. It's far from mocking, it's just - completely understanding. He's been there, many times before. ]
Life is - far from easy. You've got to take it at your pace. If what you need right now is to be given the space to understand what's going on through your head, you should ask for it. If what you need is actually letting things out and talking, well. There are plenty of people willing to talk to you, I'm sure, me included. I present the advantage of not really knowing much about you, not that I am any therapist.